What it means to fuck (sorry, Grandma)

Today is Friday, and I'm in New York for the weekend (that sounds all jetsettery, but that's because you can't see me hobble down the street with my duffle and backpack). But on Tuesday, I was in Santa Monica, and I was getting my hair cut -- a three hour session at the Vidal Sassoon Academy, which was a somewhat tedious but ultimately rewarding break from getting shoved through the Rudy's Barber Shop machine. (The $10 part especially.)

My hair looks really good, but you need a book for a three hour haircut. So I was reading Shiny Adidas Pantsuits and the Death of Camp that afternoon, a compilation of essays from the 1990s McSweeney's precursor Might, and learned that Dave Eggers "Never Fucked Anybody."

That's the name of Eggers' 1996 essay, which he begins by complaining about the use of the word as a verb in an '80s art world roman a clef (in a less highbrow version of the essay, he switches to bitching about Chasing Amy). Afterwards, he segues to his own thoughts on the word and its implications. His argument is that the term is too harsh to describe what is, even in its most primitive one-night-stand form, an act of connection with another human being. He leans toward "to sleep with" as the preferred alternative, but admits to an old man's fondness for the biblical "knowing." "To fuck somebody," for Eggers, puts the deed on a level somewhat above rape, but not by much.

Given the modern context of the word, I can definitely see his point. It is harsh, full of consonants and implications. Even Tenacious D, in their hit love ballad "Fuck Her Gently," struggle with giving the word a sweeter meaning. But the essay reminded me of a bit from The Chatterly Affair, a Andrew Davies-penned docudrama from last year. In putting Lady Chatterly's Lover on trial for obscenity, a key issue was the use of "four letter words" -- specifically fuck. But, in Prof. Hoggart and Andrew Davies's words:

Lawrence wanted to reestablish its proper use, as the word for the sexual act. We have no word in English for it that is neither a long abstraction or an evasive euphemism. And we're constantly running away from it, or dissolving into dots. Lawrence wanted us to say, this is what one does. In a simple ordinary way, one fucks. With no sniggering or dirt, one fucks.

D.H. Lawrence was ultimately not banned, and the word is still so prevalent, though not always as a synonym for sexin'. In fact, we consider it less offensive when it's not sexual: the MPAA will allow the use of one or two "fuck"s in a PG-13 movie, as long as they don't have a sexual connotation. It's interesting, when we strip language of meaning. Sure, it thus fails to offend. But it also makes it a whole hell of a lot less interesting.

I guess I'm curious as to what you think. You, humble reader. What do you say on the street? What do you say at the bar? What do you say in the privacy of your own mind and bedroom, as clothes fall away? In short, what's your preferred vocabulary for the sexual act? No worries if you haven't made up your mind yet. None of us are old enough to have sex totally figured out -- but that doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve a verb of its very own-

My laptop battery's about to die now. Fuck.

Labels: media matters

posted by Liz  # 3:36 PM

Comments:
Testing, 1.2.3. (Don't want to write a whole comment, then find out it doesn't work again.) Oh, and this: My laptop battery's about to die now. Fuck.
...made me laugh quite a bit. You're a clever one.
# posted by  ropo : March 2, 2007 4:38:00 PM PST 

If you are Liz's grandma, please don't read this comment, because what if someday you met me? I'd die of shame from so many f-words.

So down to it.

I do use 'fuck,' at times, in reference to sex, and, um, during sex. But my preferred way of saying that I fucked someone is usually "had sex with." Because I rarely just walk in, fuck, and leave. There's gotta be *some* foreplay, you know? And "had sex" covers the bases without being too specific.
# posted by  ropo : March 2, 2007 4:43:00 PM PST 

I think I'm glad to see that Liz worries about her grandmother rather than her mom in this. I can't think why that might be...or maybe I can.

I hope you are having a nice time in NYC, dear!
# posted by  Janet/Cricket : March 4, 2007 12:14:00 PM PST 

Thanks, Robbie -- I think my problem with "have sex with" is that it's passive tense. Which, we can all agree, is totally not at all what sex is about. But that's a grammar nerd thing.

Yeah, sure, Mom, play dumb. You look so cute when you do it. :-)

Anyone else have thoughts?
# posted by  Liz : March 10, 2007 2:30:00 PM PST 

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